Some of you might know that I recently turned the BIG 3-0. Just to keep it real, I DEFINITELY had major moments of melt down in 2018. There’s something about that number which struck a cord with me. I honestly didn’t even realized how much the anticipated 30 had affected me until I’m looking back on it now. The strange thing is that I was and still am actually at a good place in my life. I have a stable career which supports my lifestyle, I live in beautiful sunny California (a place where people dream about vacationing to), my family is close and the best, and I have an amazing partner in crime. And to think I have all that…and I STILL FREAKED OUT….? My melt downs were so focused on where I wasn’t… and where I should be at 30….I questioned myself, my relationships, everything!! I literally questioned it all!!
Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that….no matter how amazing your life may be, there are societal pressures which are EXTREMELY difficult to ignore. There are expectations that have been set and drilled/brained washed into our minds that by 30, we should be A, B, C, D, ETC (you know what I mean?!) For example, when I was younger, I set a timeline for myself… I wanted to achieve X by age 20, 25, 30…and by 30, I always thought I would be married with kids. That is crazy right? At 18…we are setting these goals for ourselves not even KNOWING if that’s ACTUALLY WHAT WE WANT! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we’re all like this because I know there are people that know exactly what they want and they stick by it. There is nothing wrong with a timeline (have always been and will always be a planner at heart). But I think as I was approaching 30, I somehow, just focused on all the negatives? Or more so my missed projections from a timeline that was created a long, long time ago.
I got confused… 100 percent confused. In a way, I lost myself and what I really want. I was getting mixed up between what I WANT versus what I’m expected to want and what society wants me to want…(does that make any sense?…I hope so!). It really took a lot… and part of it was getting sick in the last couple months of 2018, to really forget about this idea of turning 30. Because honestly, at the end of the day, life is simple. I had to break it down to the fundamentals, to its core. And at its core, is health because without health, you’ve got NOTHING and then there love. Love for yourself, the people around you, love for what you do on a daily basis and love that you share/put out into the universe.
And so…I redirected my energy, my anxious anticipation of turning 30 to these fundamentals. I looked myself in the mirror, splashed some cold water on my face (figuratively haha) and told myself that I am exactly where I need to be. Yes, I’m not married, no I don’t have kids but I’m still figuring out if that’s what I want. I think I’ve always been good at doing what I’m told. Growing up, I never fought back, I listened to my parents, my teachers, and even now, my boss. I never questioned authority (I guess that’s a good way to put it). And so I also never questioned these societal pressures…UNTIL NOW. But in this day and age and the world we live in, I’m thinking Kat its about time you questioned it!
Life is just too short (that’s another thing I’ve experienced this past year.. is that time is just flying by faster and faster). I could see my life play out in so many different scenarios: continue to climb the corporate ladder, have a comfortable life, etc or I can see myself quitting, travel the world and see where life takes me. And as SCARY as it sounds to me, the fact that I can even SEE option 2 as an OPTION is beautiful thing. It proves to myself that I’m seeing beyond and wanting beyond what society wants me to want. It shows me that I’m opening my eyes and heart to living a life that I TRULY WANT TO LIVE. NOW…what kind of life that is… I’m also still figuring that out haha BUT the point is…I’ve learned that I don’t want to be a robot… or a minion, and if ultimately my choice is to stick with my career and live a comfortable life, then so be it. But at least I’ll know its what I WANT and what MAKES ME HAPPY and not a product of what society has brainwashed me to desire.